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Awesome Comparisons: American Presidents And Baseball Figures (Vol.4)

Vol. 1 Vol. 2 Vol. 3

Harry Truman-Mickey Mantle

Truman’s authorization to deploy Fat Man and Little Boy against Japan ranks slightly ahead of Dick Cheney’s “go f^*% yourself” to Senator Leahy as the largest bomb dropped in presidential history. The largest bomb in baseball history unofficially belongs to Mickey Mantle, who hit a homerun in 1960 that was estimated to be 634 feet.

Dwight Eisenhower- Andrew McCutchen

Dwight Eisenhower graduated from West Point in 1915, “The Class the Stars Fell On.” Joining Eisenhower at graduation was future 5-star general Omar Bradley and future 4-star generals Joseph McNarney and James Van Fleet. McCutchen, who is one of the favorites to win the NL MVP, currently highlights a draft class that featured Justin Upton, Alex Gordon, Ryan Zimmerman, Ryan Braun, Ricky Romero, Troy Tulowitzki, Jay Bruce, Jacoby Ellsbury and Matt Garza… And that was just the first round.

John F. Kennedy – Ozzie Guillen

The Bay of Pigs Invasion was a plan to send a few dozen Cuban refugees to Cuba in the hope that they would precipitate a general uprising and Castro’s demise. What they did not realize was that the cockroach is impossible to kill. The plan failed miserably and Cubans became deeply distrustful of the Democratic Party, believing that Kennedy had deliberately denied the exiles critical air support. Ozzie Guillen has had his own problems within the Cuban community for saying he respects Castro because he is in fact impossible to kill. I must admit that I respect Ozzie Guillen for the same reason. That he has not yet choked on his own foot is a medical mystery.

Lyndon B. Johnson- Jose Canseco

LBJ is also often cited as having a role in the Kennedy assassination. This is improbable if not impossible, as surely Johnson would have bragged about it if it were true. This egomaniac would launch into fits when people mentioned Kennedy’s affairs and was quick to tell them that he had more women by accident than Kennedy had on purpose. When Johnson became unpopular in ’67 and ’68, he blamed the “preachers, liberals and professors” who turned against him and reminded his critics “They booed Ted Williams too, remember? They’ll say about me I knocked the ball over the fence, but they don’t like the way that he stands at the plate.” Jose Canseco would be unimpressed with Johnson’s Texas-sized ego. The former all-star and current idiot stands up to his freakishly huge neck in bullshit. In 2010 he tweeted “I can dh for any major league team and lead the league in home runs, just give me the chance.” Of course nobody gave the 46-year old a chance, but that didn’t stop him from starting a Twitter campaign in May 2012 to get himself voted into the All-Star Game as the American League DH. No way, Jose.

Richard Nixon- Barry Bonds

Fun fact: Tricky Dick was offered a position as a player’s representative to the MLB Players Association in 1965. He declined the offer, stating that he was needed to screw over the country. Though victory seemed all but assured against McGovern in 1972, he dispatched operatives to spy on the DNC during the ’72 election season as he and his jowls were looking for a clean sweep. Barry Bonds was also undone by never being satisfied by his performance. Indeed Bonds would have been a Hall of Famer had he never juiced. After a 1990 breakout season in which he won NL MVP while hitting .301/.406/.565 with 52 steals, Bonds never posted an OPS lower than .924. Still, Bonds strived to be the best even if it came at the expense of his dignity and testicles.

Gerald Ford- Kevin Mitchell

Gerald Ford was always an accident waiting to happen, as the klutz-in-chief took several embarrassing falls and spills during his presidency. It would have only been fitting for his casket to roll tumultuously down the front steps of the Capitol Building at his state funeral. Kevin Mitchell has become the poster child for bizarre injuries in professional sports. He has injured himself vomiting, splashed rubbing alcohol into his eye instead of eye wash, and required emergency root canal surgery after biting into a microwaved donut that had been overcooked and hardened.

-Schotz

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